god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize