You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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