he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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