the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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