True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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