Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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