his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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