Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
