i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
