I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
