My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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