If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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