In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
