Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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