So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
