I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
