My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
