dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
