I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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