The maid of honor just puked.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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