Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
