in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
