...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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