I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
