now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize