I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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