I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
