4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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