Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
