I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
