you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
