bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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