Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
