Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
