The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
