Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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