She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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