You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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