Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
