We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
