Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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