You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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