Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You left your phone here
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