I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i love accidental penises.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize