In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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