why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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