my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
