You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
