I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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