I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
