Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We just shotgunned beers for America
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
