Little spoons don't ask big questions
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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