Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
is that a dick in a sweater?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
