my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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