im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
