today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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