Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
