There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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