I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize