if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
