I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Found your dick twin last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
