Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
