just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
