11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize